I’m still awake.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. It’s 1:44a on a work night, and I’m awake. 

My brain is doing that thing where it won’t stop. It just like, keeps pulling up a thought, turning it over and then setting it down and picking up a new thought. For example, here’s an approximated excerpt of my stream of consciousness for about five (subjective) seconds earlier tonight:

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I can’t believe I need to do a virtual visit just to get insurance to not-pay-for-but-still—count-toward-my-out-of-pocket-maximum CPAP supplies. Ow! I’m fucking sick of my wrist hurting. I wish it would just explode already and be done with it. Oh, Lyra’s kickin’! She must be having a good dream. I love that dog. Gotta remember to eat that salad kit tomorrow or it’s gonna go bad. Wait? It’s 1:00am already? Five hours of sleep left. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me brain. Shut up. Fuck. I forgot to charge my sleep mask again (it has speakers). What should I listen to tonight? Probably just space boops. Should I write a cosmic MMRPG campaign? I could do a new alien planet, or something with the Skrulls? Nah, stick to the one you’ve already written an outline for. Finish that first. Finish anything, you ADHD bastard. Dammit! Drew, be kinder to yourself. I should try to journal. I’ve got too much stuff to work on and too many things to think about. I can’t believe I fell for Fool’s Spring again. At least we only got an inch or two of snow.

So yeah, not super great. My brain is doing this, seemingly outside of my control, almost every single second I’m awake. I’m rarely not having a thought.  

You’ll notice I said above that the five seconds were subjective. It felt like five seconds to me, if I had to guess at the actual time it took. Which I do. I have no idea how much time actually passed. This seems to be a common thing reported by people on r/ADHD.

And yes, my inner voice is a monologue and reads a lot like my actual voice. Except, it doesn’t sound like my actual voice, though as you can see (read?), my speech patterns (haphazard interruptions and all) are there. There’s also a lot of superfluous commas. Some once told me that when you read a comma aloud, you pause for a beat. So when I would pause while speaking, I add a comma when writing. 

Anyway, I guess that’s what this is. My attempt to journal, to record my thoughts, feelings, doings, and what have you. Not because I think I have something to say and I think people should listen to me. Because my memory is bad. It always has been. It’s really selective, though who is making the selections is beyond me. I suppose it’s the aforementioned ADHD. Trauma also probably has something to do with it. Dissociation. Overstimulation.

So why make it public? Why not? I’m in control of what I share. I can redact, rename, or whatever as needed. I suppose I also want to show a little of what the inside of my head looks like. Maybe it’ll make you feel better about what yours looks like. Hopefully not because you’re like, “Wow, this guy is bananas. I’m stable as shit compared to him.”, but because you see a little of yourself here. 

Expect anything here to be fairly rambling and stream of consciousness. Also expect it to be fairly irregular. As I may have said, I have ADHD. I get super into a thing and then forget about it a week later. I’ve been told this is an experience shared by a lot of people with ADHD. I’ve also read that it is hard for people with ADHD to form new habits. I know that one is true for me. But, I’m going to try to do this at least a few times a week. I should probably set a more specific goal. Two? Eh, give yourself a shorter distance to fall. You know how this has gone countless times in the past. One? Sure, that’s a good place to start. 

Oh, right. I was wrapping up. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me, it’s almost 2:30am.  Bye.